Death scares me

this entry was written a couple months ago on March 11th, 2007

this morning i was awoken at 7am (i went to sleep at 6am) when my mom suddenly started crying out loud. my grandpa from my dad’s side passed away at 6PM of old age. i guess that’s 3am today in LA time. i am by no means close at all to my grandpa. i can barely remember his face, his voice… what he was like when he was alive. but i can’t say i’m not affected by it at all… it’s an odd feeling to know that someone is just simply not there anymore.

the last death in the family occurred about 10 years ago. even at 12 i don’t think i fully grasped the concept of death. it’s such a complex feeling…

my grandma was devastated. of course she was. she had been married to my grandpa since she was 20 years old, which makes it a marriage of over 60 years. HOW do you deal with something like that? how do you deal with having someone everyday in your life for the past SIXTY years, and then suddenly one day that person is not there anymore? how do you proceed with life then? how do you deal with missing someone and then realizing that you can’t see that person again, ever? the thought of having to face this some day really scares me.

my grandpa is give or take 80 years old. that made me realize that i have about 3/4 of life left. when you put it that way, life is so short. i feel like i’ve wasted 25% of my life doing nothing. before i know it, it’ll be 50%. and then 75%. i really hope i find something to live for by then.

*sigh*